Saudade - Nostalgia

Nostalgia implies mixed feelings, a memory of happiness but a sadness for its impossible return and sole existence in the past. 'Saudade' is like nostalgia but with the hope that what is being longed for might return, even if that return is unlikely or so distant in the future to be almost of no consequence to the present. One might make a strong analogy with nostalgia as a feeling one has for a loved one who has died and 'saudade' as a feeling one has for a loved one who has disappeared or is simply currently absent. Nostalgia is located in the past and is somewhat conformist while 'saudade' is very present, anguishing, anxious and extends into the future. - citizendium.org

Most of us want to go back somewhere in time. In a time that we thought made us happiest. For some that would be back in high school, when most of us tasted the first glimpse of freedom, the first taste of the perks of being adults while still enjoying a hint of childhood.

For me, nothing got me interested back in high school. Our school’s curriculum didn’t help much for the development in the arts, it didn’t allow for any creative development. Maybe a little, we have inter- school competitions, like plays. I’d always join the props team. But, that’s all there is to it. That’s why most of the time I would go home early from school. Kind of a dork eh? But really, nothing struck my fancy back then.

Where I want to go back to, is in college. The first time I saw the black and white photo exhibits in our school, I said to myself, I wanted to do that too. I want to take the photography subject. Then I found out it’s only for senior students.

I waited and then I finally got the subject together with my friends. I could still remember the intoxicating smell of the dark room, the feel of the photo paper, the scent of the chemicals burning your lungs as you inhale, the correct way to count numbers when soaking the photo paper in the chemicals, long walks everywhere in manila to get the right shot together with friends, feeling hungry but not minding it because every shot is feeding the hunger of the passion in the heart, walking from afternoon to midnight but not feeling tired. Good times.

What I’m trying to say is; I miss shooting on film.